A threatening email from my local council dropped into my inbox the other day. According to some twonk in the housing office, my upstairs neighbours and I must immediately apply for a ‘Selective Property Licence under Section 257 HMO’ (me neither) or risk a £30,000 fine. The warning was in bold, because of course, thicker letters are more menacing. It’s the council’s equivalent of a muscled goon with a teardrop tattoo standing in the background polishing a knuckle-duster.
The email ‘explained’ that the two flats themselves did not require a licence but the house did. Huh? When I bought the flat two years ago, my solicitor never mentioned needing a building licence, or anything about the property being classed as a House of Multiple Occupation (HMO) - mainly because neither of those things are true.
As both flats had been previously rented, we gave them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they made a mistake based on outdated information. It happens.
Not so it would seem. What entailed was a brief but Kafkaesque, bureaucratic farce. Despite my neighbour pointing out that we both occupy our own properties, back came a reply doubling down on the threat, stitched together from copied-and-pasted legalese, hardly reassuring evidence that the council actually understands the law. This time, they claimed our “communal areas” required licensing - which in our case is just the front garden and doorway.
At this point it was obvious they hadn’t just got the wrong end of the stick, but had no comprehension of what a stick is. They are staring at the stick in awe, hooting and crowding around it. They are simultaneously excited and scared of the stick, and poking it with, ironically, another stick.
But that’s when I relaxed. It was clear we were dealing with some undertrained twenty-year-old pinging off emails without the faintest clue. I cracked my knuckles, rolled my sleeves up and meticulously broke it down in the simplest possible terms. As if I were explaining the situation to plankton.
I didn’t expect such an extraordinary climbdown (though I might have not so subtly mentioned I am a journalist for a national news organisation). The officer admitted she had absolutely no evidence and that the threatening letters were based entirely on assumption. Huh?
It does make you wonder if this is just a new revenue racket: hire amoeba-brained officials to harass residents with threats until they pay up. The stupidity is so disorientating it makes you doubt yourself. Maybe I do need a licence for my front door? Because surely the council wouldn’t employ people who have absolutely no idea how to do their job… would they?
