No one is surprised Donald Trump and Elon Musk have finally fallen out, even non-clinicians could intuit that no room on the planet, not even the Oval Office, was probably big enough to accommodate two narcissists sporting egos of such dimensions. But what has been surprising, even shocking, is the sheer scale of the split – including the level of vitriol, all of it shared in public.
There’s something of the lover’s tiff in the way the two men can’t stop the verbal tit-for-tat, neither can let the other have the last word. In fact, much is being revealed between the lines about the psychology of these two big beasts. Firstly, they seem to be the only ones on the planet who didn’t see it coming. They appear appalled and bitter the other might choose to part company with them. Also, they seem to lack insight into the weakness of their arguments.
Musk claims Trump is ungrateful given all the financial help he gave to the Presidential campaign (an eye-watering £212million). But, c’mon, Elon, you did it because it would give you a foot in the door at the very top of the country. There was always a deeply transactional nature to their relationship, and this dirty linen is now being publicly washed in such a way as to paint neither in a positive light.
It's the self-destructive nature of this fight which is fascinating psychologically and reminds us so much of the strong emotions involved when lovers split, which can lead them to abandon self-preservation amid the deep desire to inflict damage on the other. But that is only because both have been distressed, so they lash back to retaliate. Why are they so hurt and emotional?
They both have better things to do, Trump running the largest economy in the world, while Musk has several large companies at the cutting edge of various technologies of huge importance to all our futures that also need overseeing. What perhaps this fight also reveals is that they are struggling to cope with the loss of each other.
This then shows how much they had factored in the other as crucial to their own future plans. There are several stages in coping with loss, so all this back and forth between them discloses they appear to have not got to the stage of coping with loss where you come up with an alternative plan for your future which you believe in.
Sometimes, when a murder takes place, it’s the ferocity of the attack that reveals who did it; 20 stab wounds and the police generally start looking for an ex-lover or family member rather than a random burglar. That’s because the toxic combination of attachment and hate is one of the most dangerous there is.
There are serious implications for the rest of us if these two are going to continue to avoid professional psychological expertise to move on. But narcissists never accept they need any help because of their conviction of their own perfection. They are always right. This leads to narcissistic rage: “How dare anyone have the temerity to leave me, and so not accept my wonderfulness?”
But there’s also a symmetry at work here: Trump is very financially driven and would love to be more like Musk, the wealthiest man on the planet. Musk, on the other hand, craves Trump’s place in the centre of the world spotlight and his popularity amongst followers. So, basically, Donald really wants to be Elon, while Elon is desperate to be Donald.
A fight like this is just a dysfunctional way of continuing the relationship. But that is what dysfunctional people do.
