Name: Dog thefts.

Age: As far back as 1952, the British media were reporting a “dognapping wave”, which coincided with a demand for dogs for laboratory experimentation.

Noooo! Stolen to be experimented on! Then, in 1956, Dodie Smith wrote The Hundred and One Dalmatians, featuring Cruella de Vil …

Noooo! Stolen to make a fur coat! Worse still. True. Puppies, too. Though on the plus side, they were rescued – and it’s fiction.

Hopefully this wickedness has been stamped out for good? ’Fraid not. According to analysis of police data by Direct Line pet insurance, 1,808 dogs were stolen across the UK last year.

Noooo! Stolen for … what? Money, often. The most stolen dog, the French bulldog (51 snatched last year, up 38% on 2023) can cost £5,000 from a legitimate breeder, so they are a popular target for criminals.

But it’s not like stealing a car – those poor dogs are like someone’s babies, almost. Exactly. Adam Burgin, head of Direct Line pet insurance, said victims “will know the intense stress and trauma that comes with having their beloved pet snatched away from them, often with no closure on knowing what happened to a member of the family”.

Because they’re never found? Only one in five of the 23,430 dogs stolen in the past decade were recovered. There is some good news though – and some possibly surprising news, too.

Can I have the good first, please? I need it. Overall, dog-theft figures have fallen, down 21% on 2023 – possibly due to the introduction last year of the Pet Abduction Act, which makes pet theft a criminal offence in England and Northern Ireland, punishable by up to five years in prison.

And the possibly surprising news? Some breeds are bucking the downward trend.

Which ones? Well, the biggest rise in thefts, up 180% year on year, is for … rottweilers.

What?! Who’d take one of them? They’re terrifying! They are also something of a status symbol. Celebrity rottweiler owners have included Robbie Williams, Will Smith, Leonardo DiCaprio …

Does he trade them in when they get to around whatever 25 is in dog years? Stop it. At up to 86cm in height and weighing up to 60kg, rottweilers are often used as guard dogs. There’s irony in pets kept to prevent burglary getting stolen.

Never mind irony, I’d be more concerned about those teeth. With puppies going for two and a half grand, criminals might not see the teeth for the pound signs, as the saying goes.

Do say: “Sorry pal, but you’re staying on the lead.”

Don’t say: “So sad! What I miss most about her is ... her potential for producing litters of high-value puppies.”